Not lonely. Just alone.
This week started off with the worst Monday in human history, my own El Alamein – my strongholds stormed!
Now there was a battle I could get behind, and it felt like that, believe me!
On Monday I wanted to do a favour for a friend who has been so very good to me. He really has gone from boss to friend since Johan left and I am so grateful to him for his help and love.
I was to take the bakkie – Johan’s V8, his pride and joy to fetch a large parcel and deliver to Craig’s home. 28km’s away – 56km’s in total, job done, 45 mins max. What’s the problem?
There were quite a few actually…
On the highway the bonnet popped open. I have never been shaken like that, ever. I could hear Johan speak to me. “Easy….easy…. slowly….” – I could not see a thing in front of me, my brain told me that the cars in front were still going so I had a few paces to bring the bakkie over and stop. Funny how stupid people can be. They can see the problem. They can see something huge just happened, but they go past you at such a speed, the bakkie rocks from the force. Eventually two human Angels came to my rescue. Two gentlemen from SA Prison services and another car stopped the vehicles behind me so I could pull over and stop. They stopped right next to me in the open lane, we popped the hood back and with a piece of electrical wire, secured it. Good to go!
The biggest compliment anyone has ever paid me – “we thought you were a man, I just told Vusi here, it must be a man – he knew just what to do – and then we saw you!” He was so impressed that a woman could keep a cool head and handle the situation. Day made – or so I thought. The devil was not done with his evil plans….there were more trenches to overrun!
I could not phone you to tell you … even though I had the phone in my hand … I could not phone you!!
Then, traipsing all over the countryside, I see the heat gauge rising. Not a good sign. Never a good sign. I find a spot, pulled off (now only 2 mins away from my destination but with a heat gauge on dangerous) and waited for the bakkie to cool down so I could see where this fresh hell sprang from.
Two options – no water or something I have no name for. Please God, let it just be water.
Still – I can’t phone you. Still I have to deal with this – Alone!
I look around for water, and in your infinite wisdom, there is a 2L bottle full of water under the seat. Thank God!! And thank you!!
Bakkie cools down, water goes in and guess what?, the main water pipe has pulled out of the clamp. Whooooop!! Something I can fix myself. This does not scare me at all!! I gotz this! Find a kind human to fill up the water bottle and supply my with a screw driver and – the rest is history …. Really not!
Driving off in my freshly fixed bakkie, the heat just rises again. Another pipe is punctured, broken – I don’t know. Steam pouring out … Hell!!
All the roadside assistance policies on the bakkie has been cancelled because you insisted on hopping off the twig and I am left with no way to get home.
Call in the troops… Mayday … mayday…
Thank God for friends, wonderful friends who put out the call on Facebook, Whatsapp – the whole shebang. Eventually I was helped by my friend and boss, but the moral of the story – I could not phone the one person I needed so badly. My back-up. My rescue service. My knight in faded shirt and jeans. The one person I needed more than anyone… I could not tell you how scared I was, how hopeless I felt, how frantic. I could not tell you how I fixed it myself, how proud I was of my angels telling me I handled it like a “man!” How they could not believe a woman could do it. I could not tell you.
Now let one person tell me “but he knows because he was there” I will kick him in the teeth. It’s not the same. I know better than anyone he was there. He spoke me into calm when the bonnet blew open, he held me when the phone died and I was about to give up. He told me to make sure everyone knew exactly where I was before the phone died. “Send out the message – make sure the right people knows your location.” I know he was there, but I could not tell him. I could not cry. I could not lose my shit, because I had to “deal!”
The sad part – I am too proud to ask for help. My problem, I know that, but we dealt with stuff together, we handled it together. The first big thing since he left and now I have to come to terms with some terrible facts!
Last night was the first night I really felt alone. Alone and sad. Not lonely. I feel him around me all the time, but alone. Unable to communicate – alone.
How do you explain that to anyone who has not been there. That quiet, sad, unmentionable alone.
Then we crochet… Drink wine, cook, listen to music and crochet…